somewhere between words...

I am thinking about languages everyday, living in between them, within them and yet somehow always outside sequences of words and sentences broken up by random symbols, which somebody at a time long ago decided to give meanings to. I am thinking about languages everyday, having to switch between one and another, substitute a word for ein Wort, JEDNO SŁOWO, một từ..., only to realize that sometimes only silence can express the notion currently occupying the mind. Here is the problem with language, the more of them you know the more inadequate you feel, because after years and years of learning and forgetting and convincing yourself that you'll remember again when the time comes, when your tongue is being pulled by necessity and need, you find yourself wasting hours of days and days of weeks and weeks of months trying to find the right word, where there is none. And you pull out one box after another, index cards with words on both sides and dictionaries and pictures with illustrations, bah you'd even pull out pieces of memory, somebody said that word at this place at that time, all that to fill in one tiny blank in the mind, or not, because words, whatever languages they are in, are only an approximation of thought, an imitation, a compromise. Therefore, when (Angst) overwhelms me, it overwhelms me a way so different from what the person who writes it down in parenthesis for me to read might have meant it years ago. And I want to yell! Stop trying to make it clearer, because the more words you spread on the page, the more blurry the idea becomes, the tree deformed by layers and layers of our imagination. Yet, at the same time, there swells in me a silent pride on being your secret informant, based on a blind belief that I understand (in approximation) what you mean where so many others cannot. And for that beast waving its wings in my chest, and the breathless "où est la porte...?" at the airport when another "Excuse me" would mean une catastrophe I will continue to think about languages everyday. Somewhere between words lies procrastination!